That’s How Vapid Blondes Roll

I have been having an internal debate, although the voice sounds the same no matter which side is internally talking, about whether I should add to my lexicon the little bon mot (that’s French for clever saying though that is not a literal translation), “That’s how I roll.” I only say “That’s how I roll” on rare occasions, and could easily let it become a habit, but I think I could do better. Of course, as I was typing that last sentence I was nodding my head just like people do when they are giving you the full monty version of “That’s how I roll.”

Now, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Lots of people say “That’s how I roll,” but not all of them give you the full monty version. They are “That’s how I roll” wannabes. These people say this because they know it is one of the more current idioms and in saying it they would like to be thought of as cool, though they aren’t using it in the right context and while everyone around them nods in agreement they are all thinking how very sad it is that someone is trying so hard to be cool.

Then there are also those people who say “That’s how I roll” just because it IS the current idiom and they have no idea what it even means but they say it. They are like the vapid blondes in those dumb blonde jokes that replaced the Polish jokes when it became more acceptable to portray blondes, specifically blonde women, rather than Polish people as the purest definition of stupid even though all blonde women are not Polish and all Polish women are not blonde. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Polish people and blondes. I’ve even been a blonde at various times in my life. I like all hair colors equally. I am not judgmental when it comes to hair color though I am judgmental about how a particular hair color looks on a particular person. For example, Lindsey Lohan (I typed Holan then realized  my Freud was showing) looks much better with dark hair. Don’t judge me. We all judge something or lots of things from time to time.

Now, back to what I was saying, though you may be thinking that both of my examples are the same. And you would be right and wrong. Yes, they are the same but they are also different. I’m not sure how they are different and I don’t really think it matters about the how, it’s just my perception of it. However, the best I can explain it is one is saying it because they are trying to be cool and the other says it because they know it is cool. That sounds the same too, but it’s just not.

But the person who gives you the full monty version says it because they believe it is true. They just related some event in their life and their unique, possibly quirky solution to the event and it is a solution most would find to be out of character for who they thought the person with the unique solution was or they have just said something quite outrageous or at the very least unexpected which causes people to react in a ‘Seriously. Dude’ laugh stifling kind of way. I rarely say ‘dude.’ I’m not a surfer or a surferette, nor am I under the acceptable age to get away with saying dude so on the rare occasions that I do say dude it sounds a bit odd even to my ears. In case you’re wondering I hear the words in my head as I type and my voice in my head sounds oh so much better than my recorded voice which sounds nothing like what the voice sounds like as I am speaking. Now, see this is a better example of the same and not the same. The voice reading in my head and the sound of my voice in my head if I am speaking aloud are both different to me than the sound of my recorded voice so on the one hand they are different but they sound the same to everyone else. Not the voice that reads in my head. You can’t hear that one, but the other two you can hear. Well, not now. This isn’t a podcast or a recording of a podcast.

To get back to what I was talking about, if I can get past my TDD. You know how some people are OCD or ADHD? I’m TDD which stands for Tangential Diversion Disorder. And I have a bad case of it, though most of the time I end up making sense in a round about way if you look at me sideways and squint. People that give you the full monty version upon hearing you say ‘Seriously. Dude,” will start to slowly nod their heads and give you a half smile while saying, “That’s how I roll.” It is a very laid back response.

It is a response that says ‘I am who I am’ and no further explanation of my behavior is needed because I can’t really explain it except to say that’s how it happened. Or it is a response that says I surprised myself by that but I don’t want you to know, though you probably do. Or it is a response that says this is the real me that I only let out in the world on occasion because the world just isn’t ready for the odd person that is the real me. It is one of those or two of those and on rare occasions, all three.  I think I might fall in that all three category most of the time.

I get that “Seriously. Dude” thing all the time. Not the words, but the look that accompanies those words or the look that accompanies the “Seriously. Dude, there’s something wrong with you” words. Even though the words are different the look is the same or at least I tell myself it is the same so it is for me. And a fitting response to those looks would be “That’s how I roll,” but I usually just respond with a slow blink and simultaneous shoulder shrug and slight tip of my head to my right. And sometimes I say “What?”

There was this time, long ago and far away, when DJ, Tim and I were standing at the counter of the City Parking Office which was located in an underground parking garage that is no longer there. Now it’s a park which is the opposite of that song in that instead of paving paradise to put up a parking lot, they tore down a parking lot to put in a park but they don’t call the park paradise. Anyway, we were standing at the counter and a cockroach was walking or crawling across the counter. Instead of pretending that it wasn’t there which I believe is what everyone was doing, I calmly removed my left shoe and used it to smash the cockroach on the desk and then I put my left shoe back on the right foot which happened to be my left foot. The two ladies on the other side of the counter and TIm and DJ just looked at me in a I can’t believe you just did that way and DJ  tried unsuccessfully not to laugh and she had that ‘Seriously. Dude’ look on her face but nobody said ‘Seriously. Dude’ back in that long ago time in that far away place. So I didn’t know I could say “That’s how I roll.” Instead, I said, “What? We all wanted it dead.”

I think “What? We all wanted it dead” was a much better response than “That’s how I roll” in that situation but that is not to say that “That’s how I roll” wouldn’t work better in other situations. However, by using “That’s how I roll,” I might be depriving anyone within earshot the experience of hearing some truly original thought like “What? We all wanted it dead” except perhaps better than that.

The more that I think about it and writing all this helps so thanks for helping me decide because without an audience this whole blog thing is sort of pointless, I’m not really a “That’s how I roll” girl. I’m more a “What? We all wanted it dead” girl. Or woman, though when I originally uttered those words I was only just past girldom which may not be a real word so girl is still appropriate.  And who knows, “What? We all wanted it dead” may work in other scenarios. Or I could come up with something even better than “What? We all wanted it dead,” but I’ll have to get back to you on that.

Until then, I’ll remain an infrequent user of “That’s how I roll” and keep it in that little triangle in my mind where I stick all those cool expressions that come and go but never feel quite like me because (and here is the round about symmetry in a non-circular logical way unless I don’t understand the meaning of circular logic) that really is how I roll.

8 thoughts on “That’s How Vapid Blondes Roll

  1. A perfect and tangentially inclusive explanation of the rollingness that is you and how you engage in the rolliness.
    I use “that’s how I roll” in self mocking fashion:
    “Guap – did you mean to accidentally set your eybrows on fire while trying to put out a match that would have blown out in a sec?”
    “Yep. (pause) Because that’s how I roll.”

    I’m pretty sure it’s funnier in my head than it is in real life.
    But I still do it.

    Because that’s how I roll.

    • That is exactly what I said except for different words and fewer of them. You, good sir, are an example of a full monty how I roller and your example of extinguishing a match with your eyebrows is a perfect example of the that’s who I am or I surprised myself situational use of “That’s how I roll” because both of those could be considered self mocking. The letting the odd side out could also be self mocking in an inside joke kind of way if it is possible to have inside jokes with yourself which it must be since I find myself being the only one in the room laughing quite often.

      I hope your eyebrows have regrown, but separately, not as one. That’s not a good look for anyone.

  2. Remarkable post. And I think “That’s how I roll” is a euphimism for “Don’t question my logic because I don’t have any.” But see.. in your case… your logic with the cockroach was perfect.

    • I love ‘Don’t question my logic because I don’t have any.” I may start using that though I will probably leave out the because I don’t have any part because my logic is perfectly logical to me and even if it is not perfectly logical to anyone else they need to come to that conclusion on their own. I think ‘Don’t question my logic’ could be my ‘That’s how I roll.’

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