In Other News, Police Search For Owner of Severed Leg

As I was enjoying my morning bowl of cheerios, or more specifically, my generic toasted oats cereal because the brand name kind costs $4 a box and the generic version is half that, and I can’t tell the difference in taste once the application of milk and sliced banana or blueberries has been administered, the local news lady announced that a severed leg had washed ashore in someone’s backyard and police are looking for the person who owns the leg! Shocking, I know, and not just the length of my opening run-on sentence but that the local police think the owner of said severed leg is still among the living.

I don’t know about you, but if I awoke to discover that I was missing a leg, my first phone call would be to the local authorities.  I think it is clear that our local news lady meant to say “owned the leg.” She went on to say that there were no identifying marks on said leg, but since the leg was clean shaven, police think it belonged to a woman.

Now that’s limiting your thinking. There are many men who shave their legs. I’ve known men who shave their legs. Body builders, competitive swimmers and transvestites all shave their legs. Ok, I don’t personally know any transvestites unless they are closet transvestites, but why keep that kind of secret in the closet? Being a transvestite makes you infinitely more interesting than a competitive swimmer.

There was no mention of whether the severed leg also included the foot and its appendages. Now if the toes were still there, and the toenails were polished a lovely shade of anything other than clear, I think it would be safe to eliminate male body builders and competitive swimmers from the potential victim pool. Transvestites would still have to be considered especially the ones with a penchant for open-toed shoes.

I am anxiously awaiting the news of what body parts will be discovered next and happy to know I made the right choice in not purchasing waterfront property as I would hate to discover random body parts had washed ashore in my backyard.


21 thoughts on “In Other News, Police Search For Owner of Severed Leg

  1. What?!? I don’t believe it. I’m shocked. Horrified. Outraged, even,
    Generic cheerios are just as good as the real ones?
    Crap. That’s a lot of money I’ve wasted.
    Thank you so much for the tip!

    Oh, and uh, good luck with the leg thingy. I’m sure it will be fine…

  2. I’m actually concerned at the lack of marine life there must be available in order for that tasty morsel to have gone unconsumed. Even a small pod of barracuda should have polished that off, no pun intended. Damn big business and their impact on local eco-systems.

    Sorry. I figured since Hotspur hijacked El Guapo’s brain up there I’d let BrainRants take over mine. Carry on.

    • I wondered how a leg could wash ashore with nary a nibble or bike mark on it, too. I suppose there is indeed a need for all of those rules about size and number of fish that can be fished.

  3. Do you ever watch Dexter? Watching that show will prepare you for any potential encounters with random body parts. It might also cause a bit of mental trauma.

  4. Do you remember the Soprano’s episode when Svetlana awoke to find that her artificial leg had been stolen by Janet? Her first call was to Tony not the police. I do believe that she (Svetlana) was an owner of a missing leg!!!

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