I know this letter is a little late but I was off camping. Yes, I know I could have written it before I went, but if you know who’s been naughty or nice, then you probably know who the procrastinators are so you should have been expecting this from me.
I’ve been good this year. Of course, good being a relative term. Okay, I did make a few jokes that may have been in poor taste and a couple of them were about you, but you have a sense of humor, don’t you? And really the one about you being so jolly because you know where all the naughty girls live was funny. As was the one about the difference between you and Tiger Woods is that you only have three Ho’s. That one got a laugh.
Anyway, I know it’s late to submit requests, but mine won’t require any overtime from the elves because I know how costly that is. So I’ll get right to it.
Firstly, I would like peas on earth. I know everyone asks for peace on earth but that would involve people getting along. Since so many families have a difficult time getting along for a few hours one day a year, it seems unlikely that getting along will happen on a planetary scale, so I’ll settle for peas on earth. I prefer them on the planet and not on my plate. Don’t get me wrong, I like the black eyed and pigeon kinds. It’s those little green mushy ones I don’t much like. So if you could keep them off my plate in the coming year that would be awesome.
Secondly, speaking of awesome, could we have a new word that we overuse as I’m a little tired of awesome. I know the word should be reserved for things that fill us with awe or are awe inspiring, but it does seem to be tossed around a wee bit casually. Maybe we could try out fantabulous or spectastic or some other made up word that would let everyone know that we find small acts of kindness or random acts of generosity or anything that is just the least bit positive to be spectastic. You would be so fantabulous if you could make that happen.
Thirdly, I’ve been doing this blogging thing for about six months now and I’ve made some great blogging buddies. Occasionally, they, but mostly I, have those days when words elude us. If you could keep those days to a minimum in the coming year that would be much appreciated or if you have trouble finding the words we need then a ready supply of genuflectrol (or wine or tequila or coffee or whatever it is people drink when they write) to get us through the wordlessness would help.
Lastly, if you could arrange it so I win the lottery that would be so spectastically fantabulous. I wouldn’t be one of those lottery winners who spends all the money on fast cars, hooker shoes (ask Mrs. Claus, she’ll know what I’m talking about) and porn. Because there’s no need to spend money on porn because there is so much free porn out there, not that I look at it. I did mention I’ve been relatively good this year. I’ve just heard that mentioning porn can up the hits on your blog, so thought I’d give it a shot. Not that I wouldn’t spend anything on myself. I might travel and eat out more than once a month and spend more than $6 on a bottle of wine, but I’d share. I’d help out friends and family and the homeless and the hungry. And I could give a gaggle of goats away. I know groupings of goats are not gaggles, but I was going for the alliteration.
So to recap, peas on earth and not on my plate, a new word to overuse, an endless supply of words for me and my blogging buddies, and the winning lottery ticket under my tree, except I don’t have a tree. You can just tuck that ticket under one of the two holiday potholders by the stove. And help yourself to some of the snickerdoodles in the tin on the counter, I don’t need to eat all of those.
Your good (as in I’ve been) friend,