On the Highway to Fashion Hell

A couple of weeks ago, I read a freshly pressed blog about fashion don’ts for women over 50. Now, I’m a woman over 50, so I read this with great interest. I always like to know what fashion sins I’m committing.

I don’t recall the title of the post or the blogger’s name because I am over 50 and those memory brain farts occur far more often than when I was under 50. I do recall that the blogger had recently read an AARP article about the same thing. I couldn’t find the article online, so it must have appeared in their magazine or I’m not the adept internet surfer that I think I am. I don’t get the AARP magazine even though I’m in their target demographic so I couldn’t read the original article.

I can’t recall all the fashion don’ts, but a few of them stuck with me and have been gnawing at me. I’m breaking some of them and may be headed to fashion hell.

Mini Skirts. At first blush, this seems to be a no brainer. Mini skirts are most assuredly the province of much younger women. However, if you are a single woman over 50 who occasionally or regularly enjoys the company of a boy toy (his term, I prefer stud muffin) with a penchant for role playing, you’re going to need a mini skirt. Just saying.

Having said that, if you are indeed in the market for a mini skirt, but shudder at the thought of shopping in one of those oh so trendy boutiques aimed at twenty somethings, you’re in luck.  Some of those swimsuit coverups or sarongs will work quite nicely and you may even have one tucked away in a drawer. Inexpensive Halloween costumes can also save the day, or night.  Again, just saying.

Leggings.  Whether you should wear leggings is more a matter of body type than age.  Lycra and spandex are not every body’s friends. Some bodies should never be ensconced in this material.  I am on the small side though I do have what my Miami friends refer to as a Cuban girl’s ass. I was told (by a Cuban man) that this is a compliment. So as an over 50 woman with a Cuban girl’s ass, it is difficult to pull off the leggings look. It would require just the right top, which I don’t own. This is one fashion sin I won’t be committing anytime soon.

Tank Tops or Anything Sleeveless. This wasn’t in the blog post, but it was quite the topic of conversation in the comments section with many women (some in their forties) saying they never go sleeveless. Clearly, these women have never had a hot flash. I live in sundresses and tank tops. I pair the tank tops with shorts or skirts because the grocery store would probably frown on me wandering the aisles dressed only in a tank top. The stud muffin would love it. I plan on rocking the sleeveless look as long as I can, or at least until the hot flashes end.

You may be afraid to go sleeveless because you are in the early or late stages of Lady Bird Johnson Syndrome. As you may recall, Lady Bird Johnson was the wife of President Johnson. She was middle aged and was fond of cap sleeved dresses. The television news would often show her visiting places while wearing a cap sleeved dress. She would stick out her arm to point at something and her flabby upper arm would jiggle noticeably. That jiggly upper arm is the only symptom of Lady Bird Johnson Syndrome.

If you are suffering from this malady, I have two words for you: push-ups and tricep dips. Okay, that was more than two words, but those words describe two exercises which require no special equipment to perform.  I’m not a fitness trainer, so I won’t explain how to do them. I did read many years ago that when you begin a strength training regimen, the upper arms are the first place you will notice results. With a little bit of effort, you can be sporting the sleeveless look in no time.

So will role playing in a mini skirt or living in tank tops send me down the highway to fashion hell? Don’t know and don’t care, but if my Cuban girl’s ass does wind up there, at least my arms will be nicely toned.

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