Dissecting a Crazy Aunt

I recently read H.E. Ellis’ blog “New England Dissected” where she equated New England’s states to family members. This inspired Brainrants to continue this metaphor with his post “The Left Coast Dissected.” If you’re not reading these blogs, you should be. They are brilliant, often funny and always entertaining. They are also inspiring. They inspired me to offer my two cents about another part of the country.

I don’t feel that I can do justice to my neighboring states, but as one of those rare birds, a Florida native, I can certainly continue the thread and offer up my home state for your enjoyment.

Every family has a Fredo, but Florida is not this family’s Fredo. She’s more like your crazy Aunt Helen. You often think you should lock her up and throw away the key, but then where would you take your kids on summer vacation? They love to visit  Aunt Florida. So you tell yourself that she is just a little bit daft and all those crazy things she does make for interesting dinner conversation. However, she’s not slightly daft. Aunt Florida is suffering from full blown multiple personality disorder.

Sometimes Ernesto makes an appearance. He’s a Cuban exile who arrived in the 60s and plans on going back as soon as Castro takes his leave. In the meantime, he prefers Spanish to English and runs a little restaurant that serves black beans, arroz con pollo, guava pastries and a killer cup of coffee that he calls a cortadito.

Lou is a senior citizen who likes to take his Cadillac out for a spin but never exceeds 45 mph even while driving in the left lane of the interstate. He also likes to make right hand turns from the left lane and occasionally remembers to turn on his turn signal. When not on the golf course, he roams through his gated community looking for the smallest infractions that he can report to the board of the homeowners’ association. His wife, Betty, lives for bingo.

Bubba, the cracker and consummate outdoorsman, sticks to the interior. He loves to fish and hunt. Even though he has a small arsenal of guns, he likes the challenge of bowhunting. He goes to church every Sunday morning and spends Sunday afternoons watching Nascar races on TV. He also has a concealed weapons permit, so don’t cut him off in traffic.

George, the Gator fan, eats, sleeps and breathes Gator football. He schedules fall Saturdays around Gator games and always gets home in time for kickoff. He watches every minute of every game even when the Gators are ahead by 70 points. He has the Gator license plate, Gator baseball cap, Gator shirt and Gator cozy for his can of Bud Light. He barely acknowledges that there are other colleges in the state. He didn’t matriculate through the university, but he bleeds Gator orange and blue.

Candy is a twenty something with a kick ass body. Despite living close to a beach, she perfects her tan in a tanning salon. She makes her living in the lap dance capital of the world doing exactly that. She can’t wait for next year when the Republican Convention comes to town.

With all these personalities vying for attention, it’s a wonder that Aunt Florida makes it to the polls to vote and not surprising that she barely has the strength to punch the ballot so that no chads are left hanging.


14 thoughts on “Dissecting a Crazy Aunt

    • Thanks! Transplants, transients, snowbirds and natives make it tough to categorize my home state. We get every state’s crazy drivers and just plain crazy people. At least, it’s always entertaining.

  1. Your best yet! Expand on it add more characters, like the differance between the east coast and west coast snowbirds- and what is a snowbird? The puerto rican orlando crew won’t live in miami because of the cubans, etc etc. Then SUBMIT IT to New Yorker and Readers Digest, WSJ Personal, etc. Musings from the Hanging Chad State!!!!

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