The Perfect Number of Facebook Friends

I just accepted my hundredth friend on Facebook. I haven’t been actively pursuing Facebook friends, or as I sometimes refer to them, my faux Facebook friends. Please don’t be offended by this reference if you are indeed one of them, I don’t mean you.

I think 100 is the perfect number of faux friends to have, so if anyone else ever sends me a friend request, I’m going to have to channel my inner Republican (if I can find her) and make a cut somewhere.  Of course, if I am unfriended by one of my faux friends, that saves me the worry of who to cut.

I should have 103 friends, but three people unceremoniously unfriended me. Yes, I know who you are, though you are probably not reading this. And no, I don’t miss your endless status updates of how bored you are at work or how dry the ham sandwich was you had for lunch. I was happy to discover two of them had dropped me, though I was a wee bit sad about the third. I really thought we had a faux connection.

Some of my Facebook friends are people I interact with in person or by phone on a somewhat regular basis. Others are relatives. Some are men I’ve had sex with, no wait, I’m confusing my Craigslist friends with my Facebook friends. I haven’t had sex with any of my Facebook friends, at least not any of my current friends, though there are a couple or three that might prove to be quite entertaining and fun in the sack. One can dream or in this case fantasize.

In my early days on Facebook, I would log on almost every day. I reconnected with a friend from elementary school, a handful of high school friends and people I had worked with many years ago. I even reconnected with my first love, though that was much more recent. The reconnection, not the first love.

I avoided being sucked into the addictive Facebook games despite numerous attempts by my friends to get me to join FarmTown.  I don’t like to pull weeds in my own yard. Why would I want to do fake yard work online?

Lately, I’ve been spending less time on Facebook because, to paraphase Dr. Seuss, there are so many other places to go. One of my non-Facebook friends thinks this is a good thing.  Not long after the blind people/trust issue/tree experiment went horribly wrong, we had the following conversation.

Dex: Facebook is the devil. It’s a timesuck.

Me: You may be right. And I’m not sure how many of my faux Facebook friends would come bail me out of jail.

Dex: You plan on being arrested?

Me: No, but things happen. And I’ve always thought that would be a good friendship test.

Dex: Getting arrested?

Me: No, the middle of the night phone call. The “I can’t explain right now, but I’m totally innocent and I need you to come bail me out of jail” call.

Dex: I’ll bail you out.

Me: Thanks, you’re a good friend, even though you led me into a tree.

Dex: You weren’t blind!

It is good to know at least one friend will bail me out of jail, though I’m still getting a seeing eye dog if I ever go blind. If you do send me a Facebook friend request, don’t be surprised if I’m slow to accept. It’s not that I don’t want you as a friend, I’m just trying to locate my inner Republican so I can make the necessary cut.


8 thoughts on “The Perfect Number of Facebook Friends

  1. very funny post. I remeber when i first went on to face book, a girl i went to school with added me as a freind, so i accepted as you do. On the weekend following this, i went out for a few drinks with freinds and the girl walked right passed me in the bar and completly ignored me………could not believe it

  2. I read somewhere (or maybe I dreamt it) that human beings can only have a maximum of 250 people in their life before everyone starts blurring together into a haze of arms and legs. I don’t know if that includes faux Facebook friends. I may need to investigate. Or have another dream.

  3. I have just around 100 friends too, but lately I’ve been thinking that I should really only have 25 or so, because when I try to chat with the rest of them, they always go offline, and after all, wasn’t facebook originally meant to reconnect with people? I figure if they don’t want to talk to me, then they are not worthy.

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